Chapter 1 - When the Desert Finds You First
I didn’t go looking for spiritual direction—it found me.
Not all at once. Not through a retreat, a book, or a church brochure.
It found me through pain and suffering. Through silence.
Through the unexpected kindness of people who stayed when I wasn’t sure I wanted them to.
And it began in the desert.
In 2003, I returned to Portugal from seminary in Brazil. I should have felt accomplished—I held a theology degree and years of missionary experience. But instead, I came home with a broken heart and a deep weariness I didn’t know how to name.
Sculpture by the Sea by Bruno Catalano
A personal loss, a painful breakup, spiritual abuse, and what I now recognize as burnout had all collided. Emotionally and spiritually, I was unraveling.
I reached out. I tried turning to my family and my church, hoping someone might notice how much I was struggling. But the kind of help I needed… just wasn’t part of the world I came from.
Where I grew up, emotional pain was something you pushed through—or swept under the rug. Vulnerability often made people uncomfortable. And in the church, grace sometimes felt optional. Correction was always available. But comfort? That was harder to find.
Looking back, I understand that people were offering what they knew. They were doing what had been done for them. But at the time, I felt completely alone. And that loneliness turned into anger. Then bitterness. Eventually, I walked away. From the church. From the calling I thought I had. From hope itself.
The depression got worse. Suicidal thoughts became part of my daily life. I tried to take my life—twice. I also developed anorexia, clinging to control in the only way I knew how. Life felt chaotic, and controlling my body became a way to quiet the noise.
But even in that darkness, God didn’t walk away.
Over time, something began to shift. Slowly, I started to see that God wasn’t the church. He wasn’t the ones who had hurt me—or the ones who didn’t know how to help. They had shaped my view of Him, yes, but they weren’t Him.
And He wasn’t asking me to pretend.
He didn’t need me to minimize what I’d done or what had been done to me.
He wasn’t adding shame to my already heavy heart.
Healing began when I started being honest. With myself. With God. And eventually, with others.
Chapter 2 coming soon
Next Chapter: What I couldn’t say in church—and what silence left behind.
About the author :
Ana is the founder of Sacred Friendship, a ministry offering spiritual direction, spiritual formation and soul care rooted in God’s love and presence.. She carries a deep calling to create quiet spaces where people can slow down, be seen, and encounter God's healing love.
Having walked through her own deserts of loss, grief, burnout, and rediscovery, Ana now companions others on their journeys of faith, healing, and spiritual formation.